Today the guy from the drive thru with the nice hair actually came into the store...with his girlfriend. It doesn't bother me that this guy is seeing someone. For starters, he's probably at least 5 years younger than I am, still in school, living in Louisville, and just an odd random acquaintance. But it did highlight my yearning for a boyfriend of my own. Or even any local friends who aren't coworkers. Although I keep reminding myself I don't intend to put down roots here. No way in hell would I consider living here beyond the one year I gave myself as a deadline. No point starting someone, and I don't really even want to date anyone I can't see myself being with for the rest of my life-- random dating is too painful. But still, sometimes I wonder if I'll ever find the guy for me. I feel like my standards may be too high, but I can't really consider lowering them; I don't ever want to get divorced. I don't want to get married if it's not going to be forever. I don't want to date if I can't respect the guy. I don't want another Scott situation. But damn, the waiting is hard. I don't even have a crush on anyone right now (besides the old stand-bys, both of whom are in committed relationships right now, and neither of whom I would ever risk my friendship with...wow, try diagramming that sentence!)
Can anybody find me somebody to love?
Or like. Or lust after.
So I continue to play the fool at work, which is fun. For now. I guess that's really the only thing I need to remember: all this, the living at home, the working at SBUX, the isolation, the lonliness, the feeling that I'll never experience the kind of joy I had in college, Alaska, and Hawaii again, it's only for now. I'll get back to being my true self soon.
In the meantime, I swim and run and make plans and save money. Gearing up for bigger and better things. Screensaver mode. It's what I'm doing. For now.
