Sometimes I miss S so much. He loved me, and I left. I had a pretty decent life there, and I just left. I built that life up from nothing, too. Very hard work, acquiring a job, friends, apartments, boyfriend...so much work that it's daunting to think I'll have to do it again. It would've been so easy to stay.

But the fights, oh man the fights.

And it wasn't really that great.

I miss him. I hope he's OK. I hope he's having lots of fun and is finding a new girlfriend. We each wanted the other to be someone we weren't. It's like withdrawl. It's like someone died. It's like detoxing. I can and must pull myself up and make my life exactly what I want it to be. I don't want to end up divorced, settling for a career I don't really like in a place I don't really want to be. It's hard now, but I have to look ahead to the future. All this pain...it's an investment. I just wish I knew it was going to pay off. And I wish I knew I could go back to him if it didn't. I wish I could just freeze that relationship where it was. Put it on hold. And if I crash and burn, go back to it as though nothing had happened. At the same time, I want him to be happy, so I want him to move on.

The guilt is overwhelming. I shouldn't've gotten involved at all. I knew it wasn't a perfect match from the beginning. I just liked the attention, and having someone love me and be with me and be on my team.

But it's over now. Time to mourn. Then move on. Don't think about how great it would feel to go running back into his arms, to have him hold me one more time. The price was too high.

He called last night, around 1am, but I didn't pick up. I was sleeping, but more, I was afraid I'd burst into tears upon hearing his voice. And I was afraid he would be drunk--a very real possibility. He's drinking most of the time. Now I feel guilty for that too. Guilt guilt guilt. It's too much.